What next?

Happy 2023.

I hope this year is good to you, I hope your dreams come true.

New Year new Me vibes, have never appealed to me. I feel like why wait till the new year to figure out who we are? Is this not a constant state of mind for all? Only me? ok cool...

I made huge changes in my life in 2022, some were great and some have left me questioning everything. I dont know if I want all the answers though. Some of them might leave me feeling hopeless or like a failure. The fear of failure can be crippling. Although life without failure means no lessons were learned along the way and then that is definitely a life not lived.

We need failure to learn, that is just how life works. One of the many cliches in life, without rain we cant appreciate the sunshine, without bad we cant appreciate the good. You get what I am saying.

I once again find myself sitting on the ledge of life staring out at my past, present and wondering about my future. I thought I knew what I wanted when I took the leap of faith and quit what I knew well for the unknown. Turns out I was wrong, and that's totally OK. I still know what I want my life to look like and I can still work towards it, and that is the most important part. I have a goal in mind. I just have yet to figure out how I will get there exactly. The unknown is scary but something I have figured out, is that the devil we know can be just as bad if not worse. Sometimes being stuck in a rut comes in the form of being in a comfortable situation with nowhere else to go or grow. Growth is so valuable. Growth as a person is a necessary part of life. So many avoid it or miss out on opportunity to grow because they just cant let go of a comfort zone. I was there too. My comfort zone, a salary. A sure thing at the end of every month. The thing is I was miserable and unfulfilled. I always felt like something was missing. I was a shell of myself, I functioned on the socially normal stereotype of "wake up, use caffeine as a personality type, go to work, do a job you hate but "need" come home and start all over again".

Now, I have no structure. The only sure thing in my life is I will get up everyday and try. Scary I know, but i have never been so free. It may seem crazy, and trust me it is crazy to me too because honestly I have debt and I need to figure it out, I have an amazing son and I need to look after him. But i come from an upbringing that sounds like the plot to a bad movie even to my own ears. It however was just my life, and I walked away from it to build a new life for myself that separated me from the sadness, or expectation to become just like them. I WANTED TO BE FREE OF THE CHAINS THAT WERE MY PARENTS DECISIONS AND MAKE SOME BAD AND GOOD ONES OF MY OWN. So I did just that. Boy did I do it hard, because I made a great decision to leave and force myself to figure things out on my own far away from what I knew as home. I made some pretty bad decisions too and they taught me many great lessons. I would never change any of it. I have been able to make peace with my upbringing , make peace with my parents and work on the relationships i left behind from a distance which has resulted in the bond with my sister being stronger than ever and I would never change that for the world. She went from a pain in the a$$ to being one of my best friends. I speak with her almost daily, she is actively in my sons life even from far and we have found ways to stay close no matter what. I dont think that could have happened if I had stayed.

I married my other best friend and although we have had our fair share of issues and drama we somehow always manage to figure it out TOGETHER! When it seems like the end we fight to make it better , fresh and new again, because the reality is that even though we have been together for the better part of our adult lives, everyday we are growing as people so everyday we have something new to offer our partner. Its not always super fun, romantic and sexy. Some days its raw, heartbreaking and damn hard, but again, no rain no rainbow.

I left "home" almost 11 years ago and although I left behind every safety net and comfort I had ever known, I go back to visit and I know it is no longer HOME. I now fully understand that home is where your heart is happiest, not necessarily where the heart is , because pieces of my heart are still back in Johannesburg, but pieces of my heart are also in Durban, America, London, Manchester, Newcastle , and many other places all over the world. My heart is in may places but it is the fullest here in Cape Town with my two main guys, and our fur babies.

It has taken me a super long time to find the peace I feel now, but every lesson I learned along the way has been worth it.

I started 2023 not so great, I was upset about something that happened in 2022 that I had no control over, I carried that anger into 2023 with me, then I had bad news from family and a friend stabbed me in the back.. I was mad and I started the year mad and so the mood around and in me was dark and consuming. I sat and looked within myself and asked myself why I was doing this to myself. Yes, I was doing it to myself. I was the catalyst to my unhappiness. I had t let go and let God. Have faith that everything happens for a reason , that peoples true colors are a reflection of them and not you. I knew all this but I just needed reminding. Sometimes we all just need to be reminded of the little things that make up the bigger picture.

If you started 2023 feeling like it is not going well, It can get better. If you started great and went downhill from there, it can go back to great,

Be kind to yourself, and to one another. We are all going through something and that it totally OK, just dont get stuck there. You deserve to be happy ... Go find your happy this year. Even if you are not where you thought you would be, dont give up. Giving up is the only way you will never get there!!!

So What is next?...... Honestly I have no idea and although that sounds stupid to some and scary to me, I know I will figure it out. What's next is an adventure and I just need to remember that everyday is an adventure if you look at it the right way and with a positive attitude. Do not give up, just take breaks.