This is not an inspirational post

I write not to inspire or move. I write to make myself feel better. Oh the cliche. However true, that is my thought process when I sit down to write. I need to get it off my chest before it makes my brain explode.

So what do I need to get off my chest today??

Myself... Me... My thoughts about myself and accepting hard truths about myself.

I love the idea that I have it all figured out and I am this well balanced mom and wife.

The truth is, I dont have shit together at all. Gasp.... Or maybe no shock at all. haha

I am 34 years old and I barely know what I want to be now that I am grown up. I have some ideas of what I want and who I want to be and a million ideas of how I could possibly get there but Oh goodness me I could not keep a straight thought if I tried. I have ADHD but I dont like it to use that as a crutch or excuse. I can focus, It just takes some extra work.

I want to start my own thing , but I have zero business brain, no matter how hard I try. I have ideas with no clue about execution. I am terrible with money and budgets never seem to work with me. These are things I plan to actively work on this year and going forward. I need to be better.

I dont always play well with others I have been told. It is not because I dont like people, I do... sometimes. I just refer to sus people out first, it takes a lot for me to trust and believe that people wont leave as soon as I get close or let them in. I also really do think I am a good judge of character , I need time to insect said character a bit more closely first. I am an introverted extrovert. I can be extremely socially awkward at first, once I am comfortable I will be very load and friendly and outgoing. I can even be too much to some. I know all these things about myself, I am also very comfortable with these things about me. I have worked hard to figure me out. I dont care much for being liked, I spent too many years trying to get people to like me" and it never felt organic or real when they did because they always liked a version of me that was not genuinely me. I created a me that was what people expected. Gross.

I like my genuine weird self, my awkward self , the version of me that is authentic and true to me first and foremost. Anyone who cant appreciate her is not needed in my life.

I was told so many times to tone it down a bit, no one wants to be with someone so loud , no one likes someone who is moody in a corner one minute and loud the next. Not many will take the time to figure out why someone is like that, and I have earned that the ones that do are really amazing and totally worth the time and effort. I now know that I dont need to dull who I am for anyone. Don't like me? That's fine I like me. (Most of the time) Flaws , of which I have so many , and all.

I guess this post was just me getting off my chest the somewhat intrusive thoughts I have had over the last few days so I can look back on them whenever I need to be reminded that some days are easy and some days feel twelve years long. I have work to do on myself but its not a now thing for me its an always thing. I never want to stop working one me because I want to always be growing and evolving and learning. I want to comfortably be able to afford to live, I want to learn to open and run a business so I can do that and be home for my son when he needs me. I want to be a present mom, a working mom, a good wife, a contributing member of society. I sound like a brat when I say I dont want to go back to a normal 9-5 job but the reality is that I have done that for over 2 decades in many different industries and it always has the same end result. I loose myself, I hate the mundane , I am reduced to labels that dont even actually fit me at all. I am a terrible wife and bad mommy because I loose myself in that and I now know that I no longer want that.

I will figure it out and I will be the best version of me for me and my family and the people who love me for me.

In semi conclusion I guess I wrote this to have a talk with myself. To tell myself what I need to do. my thoughts into words as a reminder to myself so that I can look back on them when I need them. I have internally been brutally honest with myself and slightly less brutal on here.

And with that I have run out of things to say so be kind to yourself and someone else.